Breaking the Mirror : A Journey to Healing
The answers to these questions made me realize I spent almost a decade wanting fairer skin, a thinner body, and a picture-perfect waistline. For a very long time, I envied people who had bodies that were very different from mine, and every passing day, was just a reminder of how "ugly" I've become. To grapple with the inadequacy of not being able to conform to the beauty standards, I somehow then set this false narrative that made me believe that I had to constantly sexualize myself if I wanted to feel valued by those around me.
But the expectation of being more "beautiful" wasn't all that altered the way I viewed myself; it was also the hands that touched me when I screamed "NO"; it was the voices that yelled, "I'm nothing more than my body," it was men around me who pushed me into this never-ending cycle of self-doubt and self-blame. The emotional burden of carrying the weight of abuse added yet another complexity to the pattern of self-destruction that made me feel that I was not good enough in any aspect of my life. The more I criticized myself, the more I believed I would be blamed for my suffering. Now, the restless pursuit of having an "untouched" body became an insurmountable challenge that I never could achieve.
At the age of 20, I now finally have found my peace, and the mirror that I looked at for so long has started to reflect a happier and more self-assured version of myself. I have learned to acknowledge my past without blaming myself for all that I had to go through. I, now more than ever, am aware of the patterns that held me captive for so long and have indeed embarked on a journey of self-discovery, growth, and happiness.