An Addicts Journal
"Fuck, I need a cigarette" is the first thought I have in my mind when I wake up. Is it the same for you? From the moment I open my eyes, I'm looking for reasons to go outside to hit a puff. It's come to a point where I've recognized myself as a functioning addict, and as shameful as I am to admit this, I think it's for the best.
These days I'm suprised by how people continue to go on days, weeks, months, years, heck, even lives without smoking. The thought of simply having a nicotine-free day is very amusing to me, and the worst part is I have no one but myself to blame when it comes to it. I remember when I deceived myself into thinking I didn't have a nicotine problem and that I was not an addict. But now that I reflect on it, I see someone afraid to admit their dependency on a substance that, in reality, was only harming them back. Despite knowing its risks, I still, to this day, cannot gather the willpower to begin to break free from this addiction.
It's strange how the incident of me replacing weed with nicotine is how I reiterate the beginning of it all. I was just 17 when I picked up my first cigarette; I smoked a generic brand of Nepali Cigarette on the way to my tuition classes which I was taking in preparation for my board examination. I texted the group chat that day, saying how cool I felt, and I realized what I was missing out on. And slowly, one cigarette a week turned into two cigarettes a week and into a pack in three days. Despite knowing the harm I'm causing to myself, I'm also constantly contributing to the itchy temptation of the dependency I have on the substance. I feel disappointed whenever I buy a new pack of cigarettes because I'm willingly surrendering myself to this addiction, which only lowers my self-esteem.
It’s hard to break an addiction that socially has become such a conversational prop. Everywhere I go these days, be it bars, cafes, or restaurants, I see people effortlessly holding cigarettes and granting them the power to kill themselves. I don’t think people are ready to have the conversation about how their dependency is never social and, in most cases, goes way beyond it. From my perspective, smoking culture is inherently structured in a way where it fosters and perpetuates people's reliance on its addictive nature. Similarly, how long-term addiction affects us emotionally and makes us different mentally is a subject people can’t wrap their heads around.
As an addict myself, it has never been my purpose to hurt those around me by shamefully engaging in behaviors that harm me, but it's my utter failure to get out of this cycle of chasing ecstasy from one substance to another. The disappointment I feel in myself when I give into the temptation of smoking every day feels awful yet I can’t let go of it.