An open letter to my abuser
It's just a phase, I say, lying to myself, taking another drag of the cigarette I've been holding. The nicotine buzz hits me, and I realize I'm no longer the same person. Would Dipta, a few years ago, even think of this as the right thing to do? Perhaps time really changes people; it changed me for the good and the bad. As time faded, the obligations on my shoulders have gotten heavier, and so has this unfulfilling void that always makes me feel empty. I dumped the ashes in an ashtray and sipped on my coffee.
After all the guilt and bargaining, the depression finally hit me; even though I had accepted what had happened to me long ago, it went unnoticed how the anger inside me never seemed to stop. Being constantly triggered by a room full of men, dark alleys, or even cafes in Putalisadak, I've been avoiding everything. How does one even move on from something like this when the thought of just going to classes and doing mundane tasks feels heavy? The number of visits I've had with my psychiatrist just seems to prove that no amount of medication is going to help me through it but nonetheless, I keep on taking them with the hope of getting better. I constantly think of how I could have avoided the situation or how I could have fought back against him. Still, the conclusion always draws out that in front of a man, I'm nothing more than a pair of tits, and he'll do everything in his power to be the dominant one, even if it means he'll be assaulting the other person.
I'm not sure if he knows the impact he's had on me since he forcefully stripped me off of the clothes I loved. Is he even aware of how painful it was for me to accept what he had been doing to my body cause I wasn't strong enough to fight him? I have not been able to forgive myself for putting up in that situation; fully aware of the fact that none of it was my fault, I still cannot help but blame it all on myself.
He's destroyed me, and sometimes I think I'm beyond repair cause all that I've been doing is running away from it instead of facing it through, but how would I even run away when I'm stuck in the same coffee shop with the same cigarette in my hand?
My heart goes out to you and I hope you can get through this. Please don't feel guilty about not being able to stand up for yourself. Take time for yourself but don't blame yourself for it. He is the guilty one! He should be feeling ashamed for what he did. He should be the one apologising. Don't carry the weight of that abuser. His time will come. Just work on yourself and take as much time as you need 💗 As your friend, I'll always be here for you 💜🌻ReplyDelete
Hey, you are an awesome person. Talented (as of what I see you writing), smart, and beautiful. And that is what you should have in mind when you find yourself stuck in the same coffee shop with the same cigarette in your hand. Get some tea next time, see if it helps.😉ReplyDelete
Mistake happens, life fills the void to be filled. Don't blame your self and move on. There are some amazing human beings too 🌻ReplyDelete